


Indecisive

by greywhiteandeverythingblack



Category: Love Simon (2018)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greywhiteandeverythingblack/pseuds/greywhiteandeverythingblack
Summary: With his parents gone away for the weekend and Nora probably at band practice, Simon was welcomed by a quiet house on a late Saturday afternoon. Instead of spending time with his boyfriend, he finds himself alone, angry, confused and guilty.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld & Nora Spier, Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier, Emily Spier/Jack Spier, Nora Spier & Simon Spier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Back to square one

Simon lay on his bed, with his mind filled with thoughts and his eyes brimming with tears, threatening to erupt any moment. He quitely, sobbed into his pillow, thankful but also sad that his house was completely silent. 

Vaguely aware of the setting sun and the room growing darker, he cried till he fell asleep, mentally exhausted.

He woke up in the middle of the night, feeling oddly disoriented and warm. It had nothing to do with a fever and everything to do with his boyfriend, who was wrapped around him like ivy. He was overjoyed but suddenly remembered everything that had happened that afternoon and the joy was overcome with anxiety. Simon had no idea how and when Bram had gotten in, whether or not his parents knew or for that sake, Bram's mom knew, whether he was forgiven or whether they were still fighting. 

He shoved aside all the thoughts and simply relished the feeling of warmth and something very very similar to love. He lay there quitely, yet again, trying not to wake Bram. And the tears erupted again. Quiet at first and later paving way to almost audible sobs. He tried and failed to calm himself. And as if on cue, he felt Bram's arms tighten around him.  
Bram whispered in his ear, "I'm here," 

Simon smiled and cried at the same time and finally let go, crying audibly now. Bram buried his face in the crook of Simon's neck.  
It took him a moment to realise that Bram was crying, too. He forced himself to calm down, just to be there for Bram, to be the pillar Bram could lean on. And sooner rather than later, Simon was silently holding Bram, wishing to take all his doubts, worries away. 

When Bram had calmed down, Simon took a steadying breath and asked, "How are you even here? Do my parents know you're here? Does your mother know you're here? I'm so happy you're here."

Bram smiled. 

"Your parents asked me to check up on you. They called you a million times."

"I think the phone's battery died. And where's Nora?" 

"She's at her friend's for the night. She even left you a note. Didn't you see?"

"Evidently not. And how did you get in?"

"Well you weren't opening the door, so your parents told me the whereabouts of the spare key."

"Did they, now?" Simon asked amused. "And what about us?" He asked on a serious note. 

"What about us?"

"Bram," Simon admonished

"Si, can we talk about this tomorrow? I don't think anything remotely rational will come out of my mouth right now."

"Alright, I get that. Do you want to eat something or go back to sleep?"

"I'm starving, actually" 

Simon tried to get out of his bed, but wasn't able to. Bram was not budging, clearly not in the mood to let go of simon. Simon smiled and layed down again. Bram lay his head on Simon's chest and Simon ran his fingers through Bram's hair. 

"I love you"  
"I love you"

They say at the same time and laugh silently.

"You see, I won't just be losing my boyfriend but also my best friend. And I'm quite unsure which one will be sadder." Bram said quietly, after a moment

"I thought we weren't going to talk about it?" 

Bram sighed. 

"Do you think that because of this, everything will change?"

"We're here aren't we? Nothing has changed."

"Yet." Bram whispered, almost to himself. 

"Do you have no faith in us at all?" Simon asked, a bit hurt. 

"I have faith in you simon, I really do. But I don't have any faith in myself"

"That doesn't answer my question."

"What if Jacques and blue were better than Bram and Simon? What if we're just not meant to be? Maybe we were just good online and not in real life." Bram said, regretting and hating each word, even as he said it. 

"Look, I know the last two weeks have been horrible but think about the last five months. Weren't you happy then?"

"I was, I so much was. I'm so happy with you, Simon. But what if those five months were all we had to be happy? What if the last the last few days don't just remain our past but also become our future. What I'm trying to say is, what if this continues, instead of stopping?"/p>

"Do you realise we're back to square one?"

"I do"

"What now?" Bram asked after a while and sighed for what seemed like the millionth time. 

"I suggest, we go and eat. As you said, no rational results can be drawn out of this as of now."

Silence filled the air. Neither talked. Simon wanted to tell Bram that it was going to be alright, that he would be by Bram's side, no matter what. That nothing was going to change. But as of now, he knew they were all empty words and nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking till the end!  
> Tell me what you think of this by commenting below!  
> (◕ᴗ◕✿)


	2. Regaining perspective

Bram lay wide awake. He has so much going on in his head that it's impossible for him to sleep. He was just beginning to realise how much shit he had put simon through in the past couple of days. He was in fact, quite surprised that simon hadn't left him after the way he'd acted. He lay there, not moving, barely breathing for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, unable to bear his thoughts, he decided to distract himself. And well, what better distraction than a book?

Not much later, he finds himself seated on the couch with a book open in front of him. 

"Bram?"  
Bram nearly jumps out of his skin. He was so lost in his book he didn't even notice Nora walk in. 

"Hey, Nora! I wasn't expecting you to be home this early."

"Early? Bram, it's almost noon." 

"Oh, god." Bram said, facepalming himself.  
Apparently, the book had done it's job. 

"Is simon still asleep?" Nora asked, sitting across from Bram. 

"Yeah. We were up quite late yesterday."

"Okay, don't want to know more." Nora said, scrunching up her nose. 

"No, no nothing of that sort."

"Really? I'm quite surprised. Simon was really jittery about this weekend. I thought it was anticipation."

"Well, I am to blame. I've acted like a complete douche." Bram replied, sighing. 

"Wanna talk about it?" 

"Maybe later." Bram said, surprised not by the question but by the genuineness. 

"Okay, cool."  
"Hey, do you want something to eat? I'm starving, to be honest." 

"Yes, actually. Do you want to go out?"

"If that's what you want. Or we could just make some waffles at home?"

"That sounds great! I'll help." Bram says. 

About an hour later, Bram was reciting the complete tale over waffles. How completely out of the blue, he'd accused simon of not being completely invested in their relationship, about how simon had said that he was never Bram's priority, about how Bram had said that Simon's never there to listen, about how Simon believed that Bram never talked in the first place. All of these accusations were in no particular order, and looking back, Bram regretted every single word, knowing that none of it was even true.  
Bram noticed that Nora had been patiently listening to what he had to say, not being biased. 

When Bram had finished talking,  
Nora said, "Actually, I had a minor idea that you two were fighting. I found Simon crying one evening in his room. But I thought, that you'd figure it out."

"Well, we didn't. And that's on me, I didn't apologize when I should've. Instead, I fueled it further." Bram said holding his head in his hands. 

"Look Bram, I don't know if this is my place to say this, but, don't take chances on your relationship with Simon. And I'm not just saying this because I'm his sister. You two complete each other." 

Nora Spier is full of surprises, honestly. This is probably the longest and the most intense conversation he'd had with Nora and yet, he felt as if he could tell her anything and she wouldn't judge one bit. So, Bram considers this for a moment, and then says, "What do you think I should do?" 

"Well, I'm not an expert on relationships, but, I think that you should talk this through, obviously. But, after a while. Not right away. Right now, I feel that both of you need space to think. Otherwise, I'm not too sure about the consequences."

Bram stays silent. 

"You know, Simon really loves you. More than he's loved anyone or anything. He would be heartbroken if you guys break up. And I know you would be, too. Neither of you deserve this. I'm sure you can get out of this. But right now, think things through, seperately. Take your time." 

Bram is about to reply when Simon enters the kitchen. 

"Hey, guys? When did you get back, Nora?" There's surprise written all over Simon's face. And apart from that, he looks nothing but beautiful. 

After hearing what Nora had to say, Bram slightly regains the lost faith in their relationship. He gets up, walks over to Simon and hugs him, not waiting for Nora to answer Simon's question. Simon hugs him back immediately. Bram kisses the top of his head, and it takes all his willpower not to cry right there. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have accused Simon? They stay like that for a while.

The two of them still have a lot to talk about, and things are really unclear, but as of now, Bram feels that maybe he can make things alright again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> I believe this is a step up from the deleted chapter.  
> Let me know what you think of it by commenting below!  
> (◍•ᴗ•◍)


	3. Nothing has changed

Simon sat on his bed and gazed at Bram, who in turn was leaning against the wall looking completely miserable as he rambled on. He didn't make any sense, but Simon listened to him nonetheless. At one point, he heard Bram saying, "Okay, so what I'm basically trying to say is that I know that I've acted like a complete moron and I also know for a fact that I drove you crazy. And now, I'm forced to ask you this question. And please, think it through." Bram paused, took a deep breath, and asked, "Do you still want to be with me?" 

Simon considered the question for a moment, weighing the absolute ridiculousness of it. Finally, he decided that this wasn't a question he need answered. So instead, he got up from where he was sitting and closed the gap between him and Bram. 

Simon put his hands around Bram's waist and reeled him in. Gently, and carefully, he placed his lips on Bram's. And for what seemed like uncountable blissful years, they didn't pull away. And when they did, neither of them broke apart.  
Simon finally murmured, "Abraham Greenfeld, you're a complete moron, you know that?"

Completely misunderstanding Simon's question, Bram sighed and replied, " I do" 

"No, no, no. Wait. You're misinterpreting this. You're a moron because you thought I wouldn't want to be with you. You're a moron because you thought I wouldn't give you a second chance, give us a second chace. You're a moron because you thought that we couldn't possibly get past this." Simon said, slowly pulling Bram with him towards the bed  
"Simon, I..."  
"I wasn't finished. It wasnt completely your fault Bram. I behaved like an asshole, too. I didn't ask you where your insecurities or doubts were coming from and instead I fueled it further and fought with you. I shouldn't have." Simon said and scooted towards him.  
"I...." Bram started  
"No, shush. Still not finished. Tell me Bram, how long before you realise that I'm in love with you, that no matter what I always will love you?"

Bram was visibly fighting tears. Simon leaned towards him and Bram immediately buried his face in Simon's sweatshirt. Simon was really unsure where the tears were coming from, but he wasn't the one to question. So they stayed like that. On Simon's bed, legs entangled, Bram crying his eyes out and Simon patiently holding him. 

But then, two things happened at once. A car pulled in the driveway and Bram's got a call. Bram took a steading breath before answering as simon headed down to greet his parents. 

Even as his parents talked about their getaway, simon couldn't keep up with the story. His mind was still on Bram. He really wanted to go up and talk to him, but couldn't. 

He was pulled out of his misery when Bram came downstairs, looking completely fine and at ease. Definitely not looking like a person who'd just cried so much. 

"Hello, Mrs and Mr spier. How was your trip?" Bram asked politely as he pointedly stood next to Nora, seemingly avoiding any kind of contact with simon. 

"Oh, hey, Bram! The trip was great except for the part when Jack booked the hotel for wrong dates." Said Mrs spier, giving her husband an amused smile as he just shrugged. 

Bram laughed quietly at that and further said, "I better get going now. My mom is really worked up about me not being home since last night." 

"Wait, you didn't go home at all?" Jack asked

"No." Bram replied, blushing just a little. 

"I thought you were the sensible one, Bram." Jack said, with a lopsided smile.  
Bram just shrugged, apparently at a loss of words. 

"I'll get going then. Bye everyone!" Bram said abruptly, sounding falsely enthusiastic and headed out the door. 

Simon considered going after him, but stopped himself as everything dawned on him. Nothing had changed. Whatever Simon had said to reassure him hadn't worked. Bram was still unsure about everything.  
Whatever Simon had said, didn't make a difference. Bram was still rooted to the exact same spot as yesterday. Not believing in the concept of "them". And that's when, Simon realised something horrible. 

Bram was going to break up with him. That had to be it. That was what Bram was going to say each time Simon had stopped him from talking. And just like that, he deduced that Bram had been crying out of guilt. 

So for the rest of the day, he was glued to his phone. Expecting a text or a call from Bram, marking the end of things. Neither came. 

Finally, he fell into a troubled sleep. Dreading the next morning and the misery it would bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concept of updating on a regular basis is alien to me. 
> 
> Anywhoo, thanks for sticking till the end! 
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this by commenting below!  
> (◡ ω ◡)


	4. Powerless

Simon,  
I love you. For having been so patient with me over the past few days, for having been the one to apologise when it wasn't even your fault, for still being with me when I clearly don't deserve it, for being my happy place, for accepting me just the way I am and most of all, I love you for being you. You heart is so pure that inspite of knowing about all my flaws, you still love me. And this is what makes me insecure.

I know I haven't mentioned this properly before, but that doesn't make it any less true. I just can't seem to comprehend why someone like you would want and choose to be with someone like me. Someone who's so amazing, wonderful, loving, caring would want to be with someone who's just an anxious mess and nothing more. I'm just afraid that someday, you'll get so frustrated of my anxiety that you'll realise I'm not worth being with. Someday, you'll realise that I've made you nothing but unhappy, that I've not given you reasons to smile but reasons to cry. 

You deserve the world, Simon. And, if even after the past few days of misery and even after knowing this completely uncensored, unfiltered, and utterly ridiculous version of me, you want to stay with me, then trust me, darling, I'm all yours. And if not, I'll still always be the Blue to your Jacques. 

All my love, always  
Bram. 

Standing in front of Simon's locker the next day, Bram reads the letter one last time, folds it neatly and slips it in. At this point, he wishes with all his heart that he could have be a better person, just to avoid living in the constant fear of losing Simon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a totally different chapter than I'd expected it to be.  
> Comments and kudos are always welcome!  
> (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)


End file.
